The Big Loser
by YumiAkida
Summary: An idea that invaded my head after a read a certain poll and found out who was in last place. It's not that surprising really. AsaKiku, it's only rated M for the subject matter, but maybe it'll stay that way for the upcoming extra. Enjoy


Well, the humiliating truth was out. It was there for the whole world to see. And there would be no denying it. The Most Sexually Satisfied Countries Poll was posted. And Japan was the big loser.

Kiku had hung his head over the keyboard, letting the waves of shame lap against him. Right now instant death seemed liked the best thing ever, but that wasn't going to happen. Not while his "friends" were having a field day with this. Not two minutes after that life-draining poll was posted, the Japanese man had been spammed with messages, all somewhere along the lines of, "I'm getting laid more. Sucks to be you." To make matters worse, Austria was number one. Even the pissy piano player got more action than Kiku.

After 30 minutes of humiliation at the computer, Kiku decided on a change of pace: humiliation while standing. He stood up, walked to any empty space of wall and started banging his head into it. Two seconds later, he discovered what a bad idea that was. Now embarrassed and in pain, the only thing left to do was plop down on the couch and pray that this goes away before the end of the year. So that's what he did.

* * *

Luckily the Spam-Away filter Kiku bought last week was worth its weight in protection, for it had successfully blocked all the mocking e-mails. It had been a three days since the poll, but it wasn't quite safe to talk to anyone. A few more days ought to do it. Maybe another week. Tired and still a little bruised from the wall incident, he stood up and did one last check of his inbox to see if anyone had gotten through.

There were about 5 new messages. The bottom one was from Vash. Not even the entire internet could keep the Swiss man from scolding him. It was a few lines about not stating his wants and needs during… _that_, and the rest was a long rant getting after him for doing that at all. No real surprise there.

The next one was a travel offer from some girl in Monaco. Hmm… Monaco _did _look like a nice place… it might be a good hideout… maybe later…

Next was an update from that Seychellois girl whose blog he followed. Oh what joy, for it seems she read the poll as well. He didn't need to read it to know what it said.

This next one was from Peter… Oh dear God… Humiliation from a 12-year-old was the last thing he needed right now, especially one related to Arthur… Oh right… This wasn't exactly the best way to tell Arthur he wasn't satisfied… double depression.

Now for the final one. Speak of the Devil: it was Arthur… triple depression. With a heavy-heart, Kiku clicked open the electronic mail. Okay, time to read what will mostly likely end in a painful break-up and extreme humiliation.

Oh dear God, please, please, _please, _be something completely different.

Okay, let's see. No subject. Starting like a letter. Using formal country names… This was not going to end well…

"Dear Japan,

I have seen the poll and, needless to say, I am feeling quite hurt. If you felt that I was not satisfying your… needs, then you could have had the common courtesy to tell me first before having it announced for the world to see. I know that you don't like talking much, but even a simple text message would have been fine. Anyway, I don't have any personal feelings of resentment toward you, but there was still something I want to tell you…

I-

***ALARM REMINDER!***

YOUR COMPUTER WILL SHUT DOWN IN _2:00 _MINUTES.

If there ever was a time to _not _have an automatic shut-down on your computer, it was a time like this. Kiku had added that particular feature in an attempt to lessen his internet addiction. Well what help that had been. Quickly, he exited out of his e-mail and walked away from his computer. And since everything else in his life was crashing into the ground, he might as well take a bath.

Oh, Mighty Onsen, may your healing powers cure this poor soul of his misery. Filled with Super Depression, Kiku sank slowly into the warm waters. Maybe _this_ would cheer him up. He floated there for a few minutes. It wasn't working… well, maybe a little bit. A little more time passed, and the water was actually working.

After a while, Kiku started to forget about his problems. It seems that a simple bath was just the pick-me-up he needed. He let himself relax into the waters while his troubles melted away. A relaxing peace slowly filled the air. This-

"*~NAZONAZO MITAI NI CHIKYUUGI WO TOKIAKASHITARA-~*"

The sound of his cell phone nearly gave the Japanese man have a heart attack. With reluctance, he got out of the bath, put on a robe, and went to answer it. The sunshiny-ness of the ringtone informed him that it was Feliciano calling. He reached his room just in time to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Kiku? You're alive?"

"…Yes?"

"Hooray~! That's great! Hey guys, he's taking phone calls!"

A group cheer erupted from the background. Oh, good God no. Quickly he hung up, but immediately after, his phone started singing again.

"*~CHU CHU LOVELY MUNI MUNI MURA MURA PURIN PURIN BORON NURURU RERORERO-~*"

Francis calling. Chance of being answered= 0%.

"*~KANGAE SUGI NO MESSEJI, DARE NI TODOKU KAMO SHIRA NAI DE~*"

Ivan calling. Chance of being answered= No way in Hell.

"*~PLEASE DON'T SAY 'YOU ARE LAZY,' DATTE HONTOU WA CRAZY-~*"

Heracles calling. Chance of being answered= No… just no.

"*~I WANNA BE, MASSAO NA, ZETSUBOU TO ISSHO NI-~*"

Peter calling. Chance of answering= (Why did Arthur give him a cell phone?) Never.

"*~PASTA NI WA TOMATO DARO, PIZZA NI MO TOMATO DARO-~*"

Lovino calling. Chance of answering= Oh God no.

"*~SEE HOW THE WORLD GOES AROUND, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP YOURSELF. SEE HOW THE WORLD GOES AROUND, AND YOU HELP SOMEONE ELSE.~*"

… Who was this? Kiku didn't recognize the ringtone, though it sounded vaguely familiar…

Cautiously, he answered the phone, and after a moment he spoke.

"H-Hello?"

"So, you answered." Oh crap. Arthur.

"Listen, Asa-san I-"

"Hey, what did I say about using 'san' when you talk to me?" Even though he should have sounded angry, his voice had a bit of a teasing tone to it. That's weird.

"Um, s-sorry? A-anyway, Asa, I wanted to talk to you about that poll… you see, I-"

"Did you get my message?"

"… Well, yes but I didn't get to read it."

"Hmm. Oh well, that doesn't matter. Now, I'm going to hang up now, but don't worry, I'll talk to you very soon."

"W-wait, we're not broken up?"

"You really _didn't_ read that e-mail. Well, at least it'll be more of a surprise now."

"Huh?"

"See you soon!"

"Wait, what are you-"

_Click._

What the hell is up with him? He sounded way too happy for some one in his situation. Could he be faking it? Well, he was pretty bad at hiding his feelings, so that probably isn't it. Did he go crazy? Possibly, what with his "fairies" and all. He sounded pretty level-headed to be insane, though. Kiku sat down trying his best to sort this whole confusing thing out. Before he was able to even complete a single thought though, the doorbell cried out for attention.

"Oh please, not now."

He tried to just hide amongst his couch cushions and ignore the sounds, but it's kind of hard to not hear something like that.

"Alright I'm coming!"

Kiku grudgingly dragged himself from the couch towards the door. He opened it and started asking what they wanted, but was cut off by the site of Arthur standing outside his door. While this shocked him, the thing that probably had the biggest effect was the fact that he was wearing that waiter's apron from the April Fool's incident. Plus it didn't seem like he was wearing anything underneath that. The only other thing he was wearing was a mischievous smirk.

"Hello, love."

"…A-Asa, what on earth are y-"

Kiku was quickly cut off by Arthur mouth raping him with a kiss. Before he could react, Arthur was already slipping his tongue in and going to work. Kiku was losing air, causing him to enjoy the action a lot more. When he finally stopped and released the Japanese man, Kiku was breathless enough to drop to his knees and gasp. All Arthur did was smirk some more.

"I didn't thing you'd be this eager already."

"…wha…what are you talking about? You're the one who-"

When Kiku looked up, he noticed that his head, and more specifically, his mouth, was level with a rather… important part of the Englishman's anatomy. In sheer embarrassment he quickly turned away and half collapsed into a pile of shame. After a while, the Japanese man sank even more until he was parallel to the floor. This made Arthur worry. He squatted down next to his lover and started talking to him.

"What's the matter, love? Don't you want this?"

Kiku fought back the urge to scream and instead simply said what.

"Well, I figured you weren't satisfied because we've fallen into… a routine, you know? One of us visits for a few days, we watch movies, usually are disappointed by them, shag the first and last nights and go home. I thought you might want to spice things up a bit."

Right after he said those words, they both remembered The Spice Girls and an awkward silence fell.

"Okay, poor choice of words, but you know what I mean."

Kiku finally raised his head and turned towards Arthur.

"So you decided to walk around almost naked and traumatize my neighbors?"

"I had a trench coat! Besides, it doesn't seem like they like to pry too much."

"W-well, still!"

Arthur managed to turn Kiku so they faced each other.

"Look, Kiku, I came here to try and add some variety to our relationship. I know you don't want this to just be about sex, and neither do I, but I don't want you to be unhappy, in any way. I'm more then willing to try and do what you want me to do, as long as it's not _too_ weird… So how about we get started on making you feel satisfied then, hmm?"

Kiku was blushing, but he didn't seem to have heard what Arthur said. Instead, he was trying his best not to look up (or rather down) the now skirt like apron the Englishman was wearing.

"That's it!"

With that, Arthur picked up the Japanese man bridal style and carried him off to the couch. Kiku was protesting the whole way, that is, until he was flung onto the previously mentioned piece of furniture and mouth raped yet again. While the shorter of the two men was distracted by The International Tongue Wrestling Tournament going on, Arthur was able to position himself on top. Once they stopped, it was clear that Kiku wasn't going to get off this couch until his boyfriend had a say.

"I know you have some fantasies up in that beautiful mind of your's, so how about we work on them one at a time then? Today: location, tomorrow: scenario, Thursday: outfit, Friday: we'll take a break and do something nice, and on Saturday, we'll combine your favorite of each element into a night you won't soon forget. Deal?"

"W-well… you did come a long way just to see me… D-Deal."

"Great! So, where do you want to do it first?"

After a moment, Kiku decided.

"I-I want you to… plow me into the couch cushions."

And with that, the shag-a-thon began. After they finished in the living room, they moved to the backyard Zen garden (much to the horror of a random dog walker) and finished up on the kitchen table. The next day held the 'customer-who-couldn't-pay-and-the-waiter-willing-to-take-a-different-method-of-payment' scenario, the 'sheep-header-and-the-princess' story, and the 'pirate-and-the-captive' situation. The following day had bunny ears, cat ears, maid outfits, school uniforms (male and female), military outfits, and finally, period dress. They watched an American movie about a Canadian who fought random people which was based on a comic and cuddled the second to last night. And finally, Kiku told Arthur his deepest fantasy, and as promised, it was fulfilled.

Even if the poll is still true for most of the population out there, there is one Japanese man whose cracked the top two.

* * *

IT'S 1:30AM AND I HAVE STUFF TO DO IN THE MORNING. KIKU'S SICK LITTLE FANTASY WILL BE POSTED LATER, BUT RIGHT NOW, I'M GOING TO SLEEP.


End file.
